Being Alone for the First Time

I'm aware this idea of moving to North Carolina for the summer was mine. I wanted to escape Ohio and snow and get the hell away from the depression Goblin. What I hadn't counted on was how much it was going to suck to leave my kids. I'd been so concerned about how they were going to take being away from me for a month I hadn't thought about how I'd feel being away from them. That thought didn't hit me until about a week before I was scheduled to leave. Contracts were signed, rent had been paid, there was no backing out. That's when I started to panic. A whole month without my kids?! Without my dogs?! Alone?!

Wait...alone? Hmm. Maybe alone is good. I wouldn't know. I've never lived alone. I went from my Mom's house to being the Mom of the house. I've been a Mom for 25 years...I have no frame of reference here. Maybe alone is good.

I hugged all four kids, put happy cow in the car and drove off valiantly fighting back tears. A battle quickly lost. No kids. No finding a blue crayon has gone through the wash the hard way. No peanut butter in my hair. No fruitless searches for my favorite shirt only to find it months later in the trunk of my daughters car...Hmm. Again, I have no frame of reference but maybe alone is good.

It took about three hours in my new home to come to the decision that alone is not for me. It's so quiet. Too quiet. Quiet in a house with four kids and three dogs is never a good thing. Quiet makes me uneasy. I started doing a running dialogue of my every move just to have noise.

"Okay, I guess I'll go into the kitchen now." 

"Maybe I'll have pizza for dinner." 

"Back to the living room." 

"I really need to stop talking to myself out loud." 

five seconds later

"Guess I should shower." 

Sadly, I'm not kidding or embellishing. I miss my kids terribly but I'm doing this to improve quality of life for all of us. At the very least we'll have a great summer by the beach. I plan to spend my time before they get here finding amazing things for us to do together. 

"It's late. I should really get to bed."

Snow Miser

I live in Ohio. I don't mean to live in Ohio but that's how it worked out. My parents divorced, Mom's family was here so this is where we came. I've tried to escape a few times but always get sucked back in. Like Ohio is a vortex I can't escape. A snowy, gloomy vortex. 


I want to live somewhere snow doesn't happen. Depressed people need sunlight. All people need sunlight!


This past winter was especially bad. We didn't get to see the sun. I'm not kidding, the only good thing about snow is the way it sparkles in the sun. But we didn't have sun. I think the manufacturers of Zoloft worked out a deal with Snow Miser and the sun wasn't allowed to come out. Either that or God hates Ohio as much as I do. Either way, I say to my ex. "I hate Ohio, lets move." Now I didn't think for a second he'd say okay to this but he said. "I hate it too. Pick somewhere. Anywhere you want to go, I'll go too." 


What??!!


I would never take the kids away from their Father so I'd reconciled myself to living in Ohio until the kids were older. But he agreed...I figured I'd better move on this before he changed his mind. Or got one of those snow loving girlfriends.


Being a part of the medical field has many perks. Job security because someone is going to fall off something or trip over something and need a hip replaced. (I can say this because I myself have had four surgeries from falling on...wait for it...snow...okay it was ice but the two go hand in hand.) Another perk is travel positions. I could take a temporary job for the summer, we could all check out the area and decide if it's somewhere we'd like to live. My first choice. North Carolina. I'd lived there when I was little and I'd always wanted to go back. Beaches, lakes, lots of things to do and best part... 


It doesn't snow much.


I called an agency and before I knew it I had a travel position lined up for the summer. My ex and I worked it out that he'd keep the kids for the first half of the summer then bring them to me for the second half. It will be hard to be away from them. The longest I've ever been away from them is five days. But I can get the lay of the land and they can have some quality Daddy time. North Carolina, here I come!

Happy Cow

When I found Happy Cow, I was in the midst of a depression no one could be expected to survive. It was like a two hundred pound goblin had jumped on my back. One that whispered into my ear, "You suck. Your life sucks. Everything sucks. But more than anything, YOU suck." Makes it hard to stand up. Makes it hard to walk through Hobby Lobby, which is where I was. Depression goblin on my back hoping the rows of chotchkies would distract me. Perhaps I'd buy a cake pan shaped like a rose and bake a cake with my youngest daughter. Cake pan...that was it, that would make me happy. I turned down an aisle searching for cake pans but what I found was a Valentines Day sale. Nothing but red vases as far as the eye can see. Elegant red vases. 


That's when I spotted him. Happy Cow.


The most ridiculous cow I'd ever seen. Blue, with flowers, clouds, trees and two gloriously happy children painted on his sides. Right there, in my hands in the middle of Hobby Lobby, I hold the happiest cow on Earth! Depression would never bring this cow down. I chuckled, set him back on the shelf and resumed my search for a cake pan. But my mind kept drifting back to that cow. "No one's going to buy that stupid cow. He's ridiculously out of place being in an aisle of vases. How's he going to stay happy if he doesn't find a home?"


 (I realize he's an inanimate object with no real feelings but give me a break, I'm lugging around a two hundred pound depression goblin and searching for happiness in Hobby Lobby!) 


I briskly made my way back to the aisle of vases. He was waiting for me. I placed him in my cart and took him home, along with some flower cupcake holders. I gave him a place of honor on my dresser. Gave me something pleasant to look at during the night when I was enjoying my insomnia, another side effect of depression. What would it take to make me as happy as that cow? This is my quest.